Decisions
by magic207
Summary: Both Merlin and Arthur have to makes some decisions. And both of them are very brave. I don't own them First fic EVER!


Merlin and Arthur

He would kill him. Or have him killed. Or send him away for good. And he would be angry. And disappointed. And upset. And he would put up that mask of his, the one he wares most of the time and only sometimes lets down for Merlin. Recently more than sometimes.

He would stop trusting him. That would be the worst.

But still. He has to know. It was ok not to tell him at first, it was necessary, but now he has to know. Merlin wants him to know. Merlin wants him to know and be ok with it. To accept it and to know him as he is.

He would find out eventually, and it's so much better if Merlin tells him without being forced to. Maybe there is a slight chance Arthur sees then that it's still Merlin. Tiny tiny chance…

So Merlin plans. Plays through that conversation a thousand times. It never goes really well but he makes some decisions on the setting. But he still hesitates. He feels like a coward.

They are hunting. Merlin doesn't like it, he doesn't like to watch animals die and it's no pleasure to carry around all the things Arthur wants with him. He doesn't even need half of those. The things he actually requires would fit into a very small bag and Arthur could carry that himself. Or take a couple of his eager knights with him, but he hardly ever does. He says he likes being away from all the court and have alone time. Merlin seems to be included in that intimate space and that makes it all ok. And that breaks Merlin's heart.

It's not so bad really. Arthur seems at ease and puts on a comfortable pace. They talk and laugh a bit and when they see a doe with a fawn Arthur doesn't kill it.

Shortly after noon they take a break at a pond. Merlin puts his feet in it to cool off. He splashes water over his arms and into his face because it feels good. And as a dutiful servant he wants Arthur to feel good as well so he splashes him too, although Arthur doesn't seem to see it as a service and soon they are both soaked through and laughing. Merlin lets Arthur win the water fight. Not that he would have had a chance, but even if he had, he'd let him win. Arthur would be in a bad mood otherwise, and Merlin prefers the prince smiling and smirking and golden.

Arthur takes off his tunic to let it dry, so Merlin does the same. They eat the bread and the cheese Merlin carried here and then lie there in the sun. It feels good. Then Merlin produces a pear out of the bag, he knows Arthur likes pears. He dangles it in front of Arthur who has his eyes closed so that he would smell it. But Arthur doesn't react, maybe he's fallen asleep, the lazy royal prat. So Merlin lets the pear dangle a bit lower so it just brushes Arthur's lips. Arthur stiffens but leaves his eyes closed, then brings his hand up to grip the pear. Only to then jump up and stare at Merlin, with the pear slightly squashed in his hand.

"Pear for pudding?" Merlin asks pretty confused at the prince's reaction.

Arthur looks very angry suddenly and barks "Next time ask before you stuff something in my mouth, idiot." , throws the fruit away and stomps off towards the pond where he stands for a while staring into the water.

Merlin is shocked, he doesn't know what to do or say so he just sits there for a while.

Arthur comes back shortly after and sits down next to him. He doesn't apologise, he never does, but when Merlin offers him half of his pear he accepts gracefully and even thanks him. But it's all a bit awkward.

It stays like that for a long time. Arthur is brooding and seems to just walk in no particular direction without even looking for animals or doing any hunting stuff. He is also a lot faster than before and Merlin has trouble to keep up. He didn't have enough time to pack everything properly because their start after the break was rather sudden, so he kept dropping things and having to pick them up again. One time he stumbles and falls and everything scatters around. Arthur turns around and watches him warily as Merlin collects the waterskin, the spare socks and the flintstones. "you are so useless, Merlin. It's just ridiculous. I'm the crown prince I shouldn't have to put up with such an embarrassing idiot for a manservant."

It's not like the usual banter, his voice is bitter and cuts like a knife. Merlin doesn't want to show how much it hurts, so he retaliates, throwing his stuff on the ground.

"I didn't ask to be here, there's no point of me being here, and still I am trying. Not that I can do anything right. Next time take one of your stupid knights with you, maybe they do better, or just go alone. Who needs a bloody blanket with them for hunting trip that should last only a day anyway? You are such a prat right now, Arthur!"

It felt somehow good to say all those things, but when he looks at Arthur it doesn't seem so good anymore. The prince is pale and thin-lipped and very still. For a moment. Then he takes two steps toward Merlin and has him pressed against the nearest tree. He breathes heavily and stares at Merlin. His eyes drop to his lips briefly and then he lets him go.

"I will never get the appropriate respect from you, will I." he says quietly as he turns away.

Merlin slumps down. "God Arthur you are stupid. What you mean is not respect, it's adoration. My respect - you have that. Of course I respect you, you git."

Arthur turns around with that half-smile that looks right now more insecure than ever.

"oh." he says and he's looking vulnerable and open and Merlin makes a decision. THE decision.

"I will never flatter you or suck up to you, but -" and he drops to his knees, something that he would never ever do, but in this case it underlines the importance and what he wants to say - "I will serve you with everything I have and can do for the rest of my life."

That wasn't it. But Arthur looks already stunned and moves a step towards Merlin.

"No wait. I mean it. Everything I can do. I can do a lot."

Arthur waits. He doesn't even make a remark about things that Merlin can or cannot do, Merlin isn't sure if that's a good sign.

"You never asked me how I did the things I did, you know, get you away from that dagger, helped you with Sophia, of with the questing beast."

Arthur is still quiet, more guarded now."I did it with magic. I can do magic."

No reaction. He just looks at him."Arthur, I'm a sorcerer. A quite powerful one actually."

Merlin doesn't mean to boast, he just wants Arthur to know all the facts.

Arthur still stares. Merlin gives him a bit time, but he is anxious. Finally Arthur says something "nimuhe… "

Merlin cuts in "I'm nothing like her. I don't do things like she does. I don't want the same things. I fought against her. She's dead anyway…"

Now Arthur takes a step back. It all starts to sink in, Merlin can see that.

"I know I put you in an awful position now. I want you to know, whatever you decide, if you kill me or hand over to your father or decide to leave me here, I will accept that. I won't defend myself. But I hope, you keep me as your servant. Or… something"

"What do you mean, defend yourself?" Arthur's voice is sharp. "Are you saying you could have anything against me?"

Tricky question. "I will never do anything that harms you."

There is nothing else to say about that.

"But what could you do, Merlin?"

Arthur has pulled out his sword. That's so not good. Merlin says nothing.

"Come on, Merlin, show me some magic. You won't harm me."

Arthur circles his sword skilfully and looks vulnerable in spite of it.

Merlin sighs and decides to do it. He sees a big rock a few yards away and throws it up and into a distant tree with a flick of his wrist, so that the tree breaks apart.

Arthur looks unimpressed, or would do to someone who didn't know him as well as Merlin does.

"That's just showing off. Defend yourself." and with that he charges towards Merlin, who forces himself to sit still and not back off. The tip of Arthur's sword comes to rest at Merlin's neck. Merlin looks at Arthur and Arthur looks at Merlin. Finally Arthur lets the sword down and walks away a few yards where he sits down with his back to Merlin. Merlin still doesn't move although his legs are killing him by now. Better than Arthur killing him he thinks.

"So. You mighty sorcerer, maybe you could manage to carry our stuff a bit further until we make camp for the night. And you will find that blanket very useful later on, thank you very much."

And Arthur turns around and smiles a bit. Merlin smiles more than a bit. He smiles so much his ears hurt. He has never smiled this much before.

They walk in silence but it's not a bad silence. Merlin is happy. He can't imaging how Arthur feels, and he only sees his back, but he didn't kill or abandon Merlin. A while later Arthur suddenly turns around and stands right in front of Merlin.

"We will stay here tonight. Put up the camp."

Merlin nods and wants to get to work, but Arthur stops him. "no, do it with your magic, Merlin."

And he looks at him in a very calm and apprehensive way. So Merlin does. It's a much better camp than usually in the end, a nice fire, two comfortable looking heaps of moss and leaves, fresh water and even some berries. Arthur doesn't look at it though, he looks at Merlin, especially at his eyes. When Merlin is done, and his eyes are blue again, he looks down for a while until he dares to meet Arthur's gaze. Arthur looks lost and a bit sad.

"I never knew" he says.

Merlin feels with him. And when Arthur touches his shoulder very carefully as if to reassure himself he says "Arthur it's still me, Merlin. The idiot" as an afterthought. Arthur laughs a bit and then they hug and everything is good. Very good indeed.

Later they sit around the campfire and talk. Arthur puts together the pieces of their adventures. Sometimes he is sad and sometimes he laughs about it. Over all he is moved. He asks merlin to do some more magic and merlin shows him some things. Again Arthur mainly looks at his eyes, but when merlin does some fireworks displaying a beautiful lion and a bird of prey flying around it he looks at that thoughtfully.

"You have to be more careful. In hindsight I don't know how I could have missed it. You have to be more careful merlin. Promise."

Arthur is very serious. Merlin smiles and promises. And knows at the same time he will risk everything again as soon as Arthur or anybody he cares about is in trouble. Arthur knows that as well.

Later, when they become a bit silly because of the long day, they imagine pranks to play on Uther or Morgana, laughing their heads off, knowing they will never do them.

It's a good night. It went better than Merlin had ever hoped.

Back in the castle everything is back to nearly normal. Merlin does his duties and Arthur is ok with some of them being done magically. They still call each other names and they are closer than ever. Sharing big secrets does that apparently. Only Arthur stares more often at merlin. He seems a bit quieter, a bit more thoughtful. Merlin on the other hand is much more relaxed. He talks to Arthur about a thousand things, things he did and wants to try and what they could do together. There are so many things.

One evening Arthur watches merlin as he makes his bed ready whilst heating the bath and cleaning Arthur's boots magically. "You are really quite powerful aren't you."

It's not a question. "I mean, I haven's seen much magic with my father around and so on, but I thought it required spells and mumbling and potions and stuff."

That is a question, merlin knows. "I do use spells sometimes. But you are right, my magic seems to be out of the ordinary, it's just a part of me."

Merlin feels a little bit proud for the first time about that. Now that Arthur knows.

But Arthur looks a bit pained right now. "What?" Merlin pushes, obviously Arthur has something on his mind.

"well" Arthur says, undecided. Merlin stops his work and sits down at the table opposite of Arthur.

"you are a powerful sorcerer" Arthur states again. It's still not a question. "Why do you bother with this petty job. You could do great things. You could make yourself a king if you wanted. Fight big battles, help to cure some big evil. Why are you still a manservant?"

Merlin sees what he means. He had never thought about it like that.

"It's not about being a manservant. It's being your manservant. It just feels right." Merlin blushes a bit, normally they don't say such nice things. "It feels as if this is the right place for me. Maybe preparation for when you are king and I can be open with my magic and serve you with that. It's been said that we are two sides of one coin, and I think that's true somehow." Merlin doesn't want to say who said that, but it's still a good metaphor. "Anyway, I'd be rubbish as a king. But you will be a good one. Excellent even with my help."

Arthur nods, the arrogant prat. They smile at each other.

"It just feels weird to have a servant who is actually more powerful than me." Arthur says. Merlin is surprised, Arthur has a strange conception of things.

"Well, SIRE, you are mistaken." Merlin stands up and does more of the petty tasks of a manservant, "You have all the power of the crown prince of Camelot and all my powers are yours as well, because I'm serving you. You will always be more powerful than me because I will always be yours." that sounded a lot more soppy than Merlin intended and he tried to take some of it away with a lopsided grin in Arthur's direction, but Arthur still looks quite stunned. And something else that Merlin can't read.

A couple of days later when Merlin helps Arthur out of his armoury he has the impression that Arthur shies away from him. When he gets down to help him out of his boots and his breeches, Arthur actually steps away and asks "Can't you do that magically?"

"Well I tried that with the breeches" Merlin admits. "But they tend to come off both legs at the same time and I hit my nose on the floor. But if you want to try…" Arthur mumbles and lets him do it. But later when he comes out of the bath and Merlin wants to hand him the towel and waits with his nightshirt Arthur jerks back again. And looks guilty.

"Arthur, you're not scared of me, are you?" Merlin asks anxiously.

Arthur puts on his nightshirt and sits on his bed, looking down.

"Merlin, what else can you do?"

"What do you mean?" He couldn't possibly list it all. He hardly knows what exactly he is capable of himself so far.

"I mean, do you know things? Do you know what people think? Their secrets?" he still doesn't look at Merlin. Merlin sits down next to him.

"I'm not a seer, Arthur. I don't know what anybody thinks. But being your servant, I don't suppose you have a lot of secrets from me."

Arthur looks up, half hopeful half alarmed.

" I know it was you who broke the old armoury in the hall. I found the finger. And I know you prefer wine over cider, but drink cider anyway because it's more manly. And I know where you hide those drawings Sir Geoffrey made…" they show knights and ladies in pretty compromising situations, and they pay happy attention to details.

Arthur blushes but grins. And looks at Merlin thoughtfully. And then he makes a decision."Well those pictures. I used to look at the ladies. Not just in drawing but everywhere. I do like ladies." Merlin wonders if Arthur feels as uncomfortable at the direction this takes as he does. "Lately, that changed. I look at the guys in the drawings. I don't fancy any of my knights but the thought of touching a man…"

Both man are very read in their faces by now.

"I just wanted to talk about that. You know with your secret out and stuff…"

Oh. Well what to say. Merlin isn't sure how much more Arthur wants to talk about it or how much more he wants to hear. After a short unpleasant silence Merlin decides to react in a buddy like way.

"Well Arthur what can I say. Anything that makes you happy." and putting a hand on Arthur's shoulder he adds "As long as you are not leering over me…" He actually thinks that funny, until he looks at the prince. Arthur looks like he just received a blow with an ironclad fist. It takes Merlin a long while till he clicks. He jumps up as if burned. And he is. The thought of Arthur wanting him in that way goes right through him. Straight to his cock. He takes a few steps back and turns to the window, not able to look at his prince right now. Arthur stands up and starts talking, about him never expecting anything and being sorry for telling him and how he is very confused about things and why he just wanted Merlin to know. How he was scared to tell him but how he doesn't want Merlin to leave him and that they could definitely work everything out.

It all sounds vaguely familiar to Merlin but he can't concentrate. Arthur wants him. Wants to touch him. Maybe kiss him even. Somewhere there is the fear of change in their relationship, just now when it's going so well but kissing Arthur…. There is no room for any other thought. How come he never knew? How can this urge, this fire surprise him so much? It all figures now, Arthur has been the centre of his life since day one, he never put any effort into any other relationship, even when it seemed he might have a chance with Gwen, he wasn't interested. It was always Arthur. He just never considered it. Yet. But now he considers. Briefly but very intense. Then he makes a decision again.

He turns around to Arthur, who has become very quiet, stands in the middle of the room and does awkward gestures.

"Arthur" Merlin says softly.

"I'm so sorry! I don't expect anything. Please don't let this change anything between us!" Merlin has to laugh a bit. Change nothing! Oh it will."Arthur." He starts again, "I didn't know."

"No I know you didn't. and I just thought you know should with me acting all weird. But whenever you talk about you serving me and me being your superior and you being all powerful and golden-eyed I just can't stop… I mean I'm used to people treating me like that but you, you choose to, you have no idea what that does to me…""ARTHUR!" Merlin tries again. "I didn't know THIS." And he points shyly at his hard-on. Arthur looks down just very briefly and then back to Merlin's face. And then he looks down very briefly again. He opens his mouth and shuts it again. And then, finally his face changes from all desperate to all regal and controlled. And hot. Merlin likes that.

"Well, Merlin" Arthur says his name slightly slurred like always, and now it sounds oh so different.

"Yes, Sire?" Merlin can see what that does to Arthur. He likes that too.

Arthur takes a moment to decide what to do. But as always he is a brave man.

"Merlin" he says, his nervousness hardly shows at all, "Come over here."

Merlin walks slowly towards him. He can't believe how much he wants this.

"I think I will add another task to your list of duties." Arthur sounds so incredibly prattish that Merlin wants to jump him. He wants to reciprocate.

"Whatever you think fit for your servant, master." But he stands with his head held high. Arthur shivers slightly and licks his lips. "Kiss me then." and Merlin does. He kisses Arthur on the lips, with a little pressure and lots of feeling. After a few seconds he pulls back and looks at him. Arthur has his eyes closed and doesn't seem to breath. But his heart pounds, Merlin can feel it like his own. He leans in and kisses him again, with more fervour and a little bit of tongue. Arthur holds very still. Merlin stops and whispers "Kiss me back, prat"

Arthur opens his eyes and the passion he sees in them makes Merlin weak in the knees.

"Are you really sure?" Arthur whispers just audible. Merlin smiles and nods briefly and then Arthur's lips are on his and his hands are on his cheek and neck and then there is Arthur's tongue and Merlin nearly fades. He just opens his mouth and clings to Arthur's shoulders. One of the prince's hands is tangled in Merlin's hair, it is used to pull Merlin's head back to allow Arthur better access. Merlin groans. The other hand travels down his back swiftly to pull him close to Arthur's chest. Merlin feels himself pressed tightly against Arthur, their chests against each other, and he feels Arthur's erection against his and he can't help but to jerk his hips a little. That seems to make Arthur loose the last bit of control, he pulls Merlin even closer it almost hurts and pushes him towards the bed, his mouth never leaving Merlin's, now not just kissing but licking and biting and pushing his tongue far down Merlin's throat. Merlin's hands somehow made their way into Arthur's hair, where he pulls him even closer, so close it hurts, his fingernails scraping over Arthur's skin. When they tumble on the bed, Arthur finally leaves Merlin's face alone but only to bite into his neck. The scarf gets into his way so it has to come off. Arthur's hands continue the undressing from there whilst his mouth is over Merlin's neck, his face, his lips. Merlin feels overpowered and he likes it. There's not much he can do but to lie there, occasionally lift a limp for clothes to come off, open his mouth when Arthur wants that and moan and wriggle against the weight that is Arthur. There will be a time for him to explore, but for now it's Arthur. And Merlin loves it. He can't believe what noises come out of his throat, how he reacts to a tongue on his chest. He didn't know he likes to be bitten but oh he does. And then he is naked and Arthur is not. He wants him to be naked too, but before he can start any action to that purpose there is Arthur's mouth on his cock, and Merlin doesn't act anymore. He just reacts. He moans and rocks his hip and when he accidentally looks down at Arthur he would have come if his prince hadn't stopped him with a firm grip. Merlin feels completely boneless and not at all as the powerful sorcerer Arthur described him but like a wriggling mess. Not that he minds. Neither seems Arthur to mind. He teases and prolongs and when he finally lets Merlin come down his throat he keeps sucking until Merlin is all spend and nearly hard again. Then Arthur is quickly back at Merlin's side and kisses him again, this time less urgent and much more tender, even though Merlin is very aware of Arthur's huge erection at his thigh. Merlin tastes his own cum on Arthur's lips and he feels spent and content. He wants to give Arthur the same pleasures but right now he can't move.

Arthur seems patient enough. He is so sweet, kissing Merlin all over without the biting but just adoration in it. His hand is on Merlin's face and only when Merlin shifts slightly and brushes Arthur's erection he freezes for a moment.

Merlin has recovered, amazingly quickly really and feels now up for anything. He turns toward his prince.

"Well, my lord, how can I please you?" he says with a low voice and feels a bit proud when he sees Arthur wince. Merlin leans in and whispers "Do what you want. I'm yours." That seems to work like a spell. Arthur rolls over and pins Merlin down. "I'm yours" Merlin likes to say that. And he likes it when Arthur gets this passionate. He presses his cock against his servant and rocks hard. Merlin becomes hard again at that. Arthur marks Merlin all over his neck and Merlin lifts his legs without thinking about it, wrapping them around Arthur's hips to pull him even closer.

Suddenly Arthur pulls back a bit, his erection pokes Merlin's buttock slightly. Arthur stares at Merlin.

"Merlin" he whispers. "I want -" "Yes" Merlin interrupts. He doesn't have a clear concept of what is going to happen but he wants it. He needs it. "Do it Arthur" Arthur breath stutters and he closes his eyes to get his control back. He then puts two fingers to Merlin's mouth and after a moment Merlin understands he wants him to lick them. So he does. Arthur sighs. Merlin is really impressed by Arthur's stamiorna. The prince now brings those two fingers down to Merlin's arse. He finds the hole and starts rubbing around it. It feels weird but because it's Arthur and because Arthur concentrates so hard and looks so sexy Merlin decides he likes it. And when Arthur pushes one finger inside him he likes it even more.

"I've never done this." Arthur whispers, "But I heard guys talk about it. I have to … stretch… you… so that I don't hurt you when I…" The words seem heavy on his tongue and Merlin resolves to explore this fondness of words a bit more.

"when you fuck me" he says clearly and watches his prince falter.

"when you push your cock inside me and …" Arthur just added a second finger and now pushes in far deeper.

Merlin is suddenly very keen on getting on with things. He remembers the oil he always adds to Arthur's bath and summons it with a flick of his hand.

"Let me help" he says and lathers his hands with the oil and sits up, trapping Arthur's fingers inside him and pressing his balls into Arthur's palm. Arthur groans and Merlin tries hard not to concentrate on the amazing feeling of riding Arthur's fingers but carefully touches Arthur's cock to rub the oil in. Arthur makes fantastic little noises and again Merlin is very impressed how he manages still not to come. Arthur's cock is magnificent, very fitting for the beautiful prince. At the thought of having it inside him Merlin has to rock a bit on Arthur's fingers. Arthur grips Merlin's hand and stops him, fighting desperately for control.

Merlin lays back slowly, enjoying the movement inside him and says wickedly "I'm ready, sire."

Arthur hesitates again, Merlin really hopes he hasn't overdone it, he doesn't want it to end right now. But his valiant prince is in control.

He slowly pulls his fingers out of Merlin and rests his slick cock against Merlin's entrance. When Merlin, unable to lie still, presses against it, Arthur puts his hands on Merlin's hips and holds him still. Merlin likes the fact that he can do that easily.

Arthur starts to push inside. If they had spent more time on the preparation it might have been easier and would have spared Merlin the slight pain, but Merlin loves it. And he doesn't hesitate to let Arthur know that.

"I can feel you. I feel how you stretch me. It hurts" Arthur stops every movement "and I like that. It feels just right. Please Arthur go on." Of course Arthur does. Soon he is all the way inside Merlin and his balls touch Merlin's buttocks. Merlin tries to move his hips but Arthur holds them in his grasp. He pulls out just as slowly and Merlin is dying. Arthur pushes back in slightly faster and Merlin wants more. "Arthur please just move" he begs but Arthur seems determined to prolong this. Finally Merlin reaches up, grips Arthur's head, pulls him down and says firmly: "Arthur, you royal prat, fuck me. Fuck me hard." And Arthur complies. He starts thrusting into Merlin with force, and now he hits that spot inside him Merlin never knew existed. Merlin arches back and screams, which seems to encourage Arthur even more and he really lets go. It can't last long. Merlin comes again and clenches his muscles around Arthur in a way that doesn't give him a chance. He finally comes and spills himself deep into Merlin's gut. Then he crashes down on the sorcerer and they feel content and close and try to catch their breath.

After a while Arthur rolls off Merlin, pulling his limp cock out. Merlin rolls to his side and they lie face to face, both sweaty and smiling. "That was fun" Merlin says in a spectacular understatement.

"Well yes." Arthur says a little indignantly.

"Glad you liked it. Because there will be much more of that."

"Yes Sire, whatever you want" Merlin says with an evil smile.

"Damn it Merlin don't say things like that. Give me a break!""I'll be at your service whenever you require anything, master"

It turns out Arthur doesn't need that much of a break after all.


End file.
